delicious green thing!
sex, green things, and knitting.
So I've been reading online personal ads lately, and trying to think how I'd word one of my own. The catch with looking for someone to be kinky with is this:
I want someone who meshes with me, personality-wise, not just kink-wise. And here's the trouble. If I meet someone through 'regular' channels, and we get along great--like the same movies, books, music, blah blah blah--what's the chance that they'll also be into the stuff I'm into? But if I meet someone because we share a kink, what's the chance that I'll get along with them enough to want to do stuff with them?
I mean, the kind of things I want to do aren't exactly one night stand things. If I'm going to have a one nighter, I'll go down to a bar and pick someone pretty. I'm not about to break out the toybox on a one nighter.
Well.... unless I got bored with him and decided to see what would happen.
I mean, what if I meet someone who's into all the things I'm into, and we're attracted to each other and all that, but then he's like, into Kenny G. or something?
It's terribly shallow, I know, but I just couldn't bring myself to take a Kenny G. fan seriously.
Of course, the worst would be if he didn't have a sense of humor.
Man, I wonder if everyone's this neurotic... One of the things that made me love the movie Secretary was the scenes with just James Spader, where he's clumsy and worried and kinda freaked, but pulls it together before Maggie Gyllenhaal sees it.
I've tried a lot of things over the years, but I'm only recently starting to explore my own desire for dominance. Why did it take so long?
Thing is, I've always been a nice person. Ask anyone, they'll say, 'Oh, D--she's great. Not a mean bone in her body.' I try to be kind and personable, I give to animal shelters and I subscribe to PBS. Sure, I have ways I like things to be done, but I usually have a nice way of asking for it, and few people suspect my inner bossy nature.
My first relationship where I got some kinky experience started when I was 19--he was 18. We dated for about three years, during which we did a lot of experimenting, almost all of which was instigated by him. He was the first to suggest bondage (him tying me up), and later, more intense scenarios and some pain experimentation.
I went along with it because, hey, I liked sex, and it made for some really hot sex, baby. But I never took it as seriously as he did. I would often laugh or crack a joke during, and he'd get annoyed.
Looking back, I just want to hit myself in the head with a clue. I've since learned never to get involved with someone who doesn't have a sense of humor about sex. I've also learned to take charge of what I want. (I think... haha.)
I wonder now if he would've gone for me tying him up, and I kick myself for never asking. Maybe it has something to do with being a girl, and girls aren't supposed to like (or want, or crave) sex.
But I know that's silly. I know it, but... sometimes there's that little voice in the back of my head whispering 'slut' and 'whore', and 'nice girls don't--'.
I hate that voice.
That voice says, 'nice girls don't want to tie men up and use them for sexual gratification', because the act of tying someone up (or otherwise restraining them, or making them do something only to please you) means you want this. You aren't going along with it because you're in love, you aren't just doing it to make your guy happy; you haven't been talked into it with loads of cajoling and promises of sweet-sweet-cuddle-love after.
...of course, some people have been talked into it. But once you're there, with a man spread-eagled on your bed, his cock in the air, the abstract desire becomes a concrete reality. If you tease him, or fuck him, or do whatever else you want to do with him, it's you doing it.
You have to take control of what you want, and say 'I want to fuck him' or 'I want to tie his balls tight and tease him till he whimpers'.
And nice girls don't do that.
I guess I'm not a nice girl, after all.
I found this "Good Girl's Guide to Dominance" through Down On My Knees, one of the blogs I check each morning in my NetNewsWire. I've spent the whole morning reading through it, fascinated. I love the notes 'for the men', admonishing potential submissive men not to nag and push for it.
There's a page of suggestions for what to do when you get stuck for ideas, which is hot and helpful! I really adore things like this, that get into the nitty-gritty everyday 'how do I do--?' and 'what do I do when--?' business of having the kind of sex you want to have.
Along those same lines, this discussion of the perils of arranging a m/f/m threesome made me laugh. Though, man, if I'm going to be the filling in an m/m oreo, I'm gonna want to see some boykissing.
I want to buy some rope, but I don't know anyone who would let me tie them up. Ah, the woes of an anti-socialite.
I love the green, natch, but the purple is gorgeous, too.